


Theory of Happiness

by ongnigiri



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: -Ish, M/M, Magical Realism, gapyeong lovers, just a little bit, kinda angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 16:51:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16937067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ongnigiri/pseuds/ongnigiri
Summary: Seongwu feeds on the Happiness of people— literally. And there's one person who seem to have an abundance of it.





	Theory of Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> To the prompter, thank you for your wonderful prompt! I hope you will like it. love u :*
> 
> Thank you, D. for the support and reading this through for me :)
> 
> Thank you too to the wonderful mods of gapyeong lovers!! sends u all hugs <333

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

Happiness isn’t abstract.

Seongwu sees it like he sees the surface of the ocean. They come in ripples, in currents, emitting from a common point and spreading outwards like the rays of the sun. They come in colors, too, some of them calm and serene and almost blue, some of them warm and vibrant, almost blinding.

That boy had been like that.

Seongwu was drawn to it— attracted, mesmerized. Like the moth that was enticed by the fire, he was willing to let his wings burn.

Except when he comes close, it’s the flames that perish instead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boy had been his saving grace.

Slumped in the corner of a dark alley, Seongwu held his breath as he felt life slowly slipping out of his body. It's been days since he last fed himself. There was desperation on the tip of his fingers, for any contact, any touch, for him to satiate the uncontrollable hunger that is gnawing on his soul.

That's when boy with infinite happiness saw him and approached.

Even with blurry eyes, Seongwu could see waves of yellow enthusiastically dancing around the boy’s body. It was bright and warm, and Seongwu was captivated, blinded.

"Are you fine, prince hyung?" He held a cat in his arms, the park's infamous orange stray cat, before he let it go in favor of stepping closer towards Seongwu's limp body.

"Stay away." Seongwu had warned. He didn't want to feed. Not on a kid, not on this kid.

"Should i call for help?" The boy's voice sounded a little shaky as he inched closer despite Seongwu's warning.

"No." Seongwu gasped for air. He harshly dragged his fingers to unhook the first few buttons of his shirt. It's getting harder to breathe.

Maybe this is how he'll die, Seongwu had thought. In a dark alley in an amusement park, in his shimmering prince costume, after another run of a show that spread happiness he had lost the heart to steal away, with the sole reason of it standing right in front of him.

Seongwu had accepted his fate.

He embraced his incoming end, closing his eyes. He’s determined to keep away from the kid, until he felt warm hands cup his face.

Then he felt it— instantly: the rush of energy flowing through his veins, the gust of air passing through his lungs, his body being fed, his hunger being satisfied.

He opened his eyes to the earnest gaze that had made him back away. "Even the prince needs help sometimes, hyung." The boy had looked at him with eyebrows furrowed, searching Seongwu's faltering gaze. "I'm no knight, but let me help you?" The boy had asked with voice full of innocence, and it made Seongwu want to push him away even more.

He tried to lift his hands, but found no energy in himself to do so.

"Should i call for help?" The boy asked again, after a minute of no response from Seongwu.

He couldn’t even shake his head. "I just got— dizzy. I'll be okay."

The boy gave a small smile, holding onto him like he knew exactly what it is that he needed. He leaned even closer to Seongwu, cupping his face with his little hands even tighter, his thumb caressing his cheeks where his birthmarks are.

When his limbs started to feel again, Seongwu lifted his hand to hold the boy's hands that were caressing his face. It was unknown for his kind to care, and Seongwu swore he didn't. Yet, as he stared at the frown on the boy's face, he couldn't help but ask, "Are you starting to feel sad?"

The crease in his forehead straightened out, and only then did Seongwu then realized: it wasn't sadness, it was worry. The boy still shined like the rays of the sun.

"Why would I?" The boy smiled, that smile that Seongwu didn't want to steal away— that smile that had caused him to starve himself for days.

He leaned in even closer, eyes piercing through Seongwu's empty soul.

"I'm with hyung. I won't ever be sad."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For someone who feeds on happiness, Seongwu had lived through decades of anything but that.

 

In the dark, there is only so much Seongwu can take. They come in small portions, like a droplet of water, one teaspoon of food, one pinch of a cake, and it's almost always never enough. In the dark dwells souls just as empty at him, bright smiles contrasting their rather dim presence. Gone is the warm and vivid colors Seongwu was mesmerized with. It's like they never existed in the first place.

Seongwu had settled for that.

He knows he's at the wrong place. Somewhere out there, beyond the dinky bar he's marked as his territory, there is more than the empty souls seeking his pleasure and willingly giving themselves to him. Somewhere out there, there's more happiness to feed on. But he settles for this place. He had learned to.

"Not serving drinks tonight?"

A voice from behind him resonates, penetrating through the wall Seongwu had made to isolate himself from the boisterous noises of the bar.

The stool next to him is occupied. A smile is flashed. Seongwu sees colors, warm and bright, and he straightens from his lazy position.

"Dongmin." He bites his lip. The guy hadn't shined like this before. "You look happy."

Dongmin sat shocked for a moment, mouth agape, before he bursts into a chuckle. "You're always so quick on things." He smiles, before he gestures to the bartender for a drink.

Seongwu remembers the bottle of beer he had long neglected and reached for it, tipping it against his lips. "You haven't been here for too long you forgot it's my off during Tuesdays."

"Oh it’s Tuesday." Dongmin hums, smiling at the bartender who served him. "So why are you here then?"

Seongwu doesn't lie. "I have nowhere else to go."

The lights of the bar dance around in a wild manner, swaying with the beat of the music. Numerous bodies are pressed together on the dance floor, sweat glistening against skin. There are smiles, too many of it, but Seongwu doesn't see the colors. He doesn't see the joy that should have come with it.

In this dark place, Dongmin is the only one bright.

"So why are you happy?" He asks.

Dongmin peers at him through the corner of his eyes, a small smile on his lips. "I got back with my ex."

Seongwu hums.

"I know I told you I didn't care, but it was a lie. I still do. And I have been miserable since." Dongmin takes a shot. "She came to me, Seongwu. Told me she was ready to fix things. I never realized how much of me was taken away until she put it right back. I'm— I'm happy, Seongwu, I-"

"You don't owe me an explanation." Seongwu says in understanding.

He gazes at the waves of colors emitting from Dongmin's heart. "I can see you're happy, and I'm glad."

Seongwu had no intention of taking anything from Dongmin anymore. He liked the colors, liked the way they dance around Dongmin like a whirlwind, and he didn’t want to take them away. Dongmin reaches out for his hands, though, and tucks them into his no matter how much Seongwu tugs in protest.

Dongmin smiles.

“Thank you for being with me through my hardest time."

There is sincerity in his eyes as he muttered those words, something Seongwu fails to notice as his mind zooms in to the rush of energy flowing through his veins from where their skins touch. Seongwu thinks maybe he deserves it. Maybe the faltering waves of happiness around Dongmin's body will be recharged once the two of them part, once he goes back to the person who makes him happy— who was not Seongwu, has never been Seongwu. Maybe he deserves a little bit of what Dongmin is willingly giving to him.

"I hope you find the happiness you are looking for." Dongmin says, but Seongwu doesn't hear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happiness sometimes looked like a drizzle, with ripples on its surface every now and then, waves flashing in a stationary movement. Other times it looked like a cloudy evening, the waves being simply white, almost translucent to Seongwu’s eyes. There are times, too, when it looked like a rainstorm on a sunny day, the waves wild and boisterous, the colors warm and vivid.

He hasn’t seen anything like that for the past ten years.

Looking at it now, though, renders him almost speechless. It is beautiful. It almost looks like wings.

“Why aren’t you smiling?” The person who owns the rainstorm tilts his head to the side, eyebrows furrowed as he looks at Seongwu in the eyes.  He’s standing right in front of where Seongwu sat on the bench at the riverside park, tall and hovering over him.

Seongwu can’t look away. “Why should I?”

The man shrugs his shoulders, pointing at the jar Seongwu held in his arms. “It didn’t make you happy?”

He’s having a hard time pulling his gaze away from the man, but he manages, peering down the jar of gummy bears sitting on his lap.

It’s been a while since he last met Dongmin and Seongwu is starving. Rarely does he go out in the daylight to look for happiness, but desperation was gnawing at the pit of his stomach. His throat feels dry, the energy almost stopped flowing in his veins, and he can barely move the muscles on his fingertips. He couldn’t even actively search as his knees start to give out, scurrying over the nearest bench where he found a jar full of colourful candies.

He sat down the bench on the side of the river, trusting the gummy bears to give him some sort of strength.

It didn’t.

 “You ate a lot.” The man’s voice resurfaces in his head and Seongwu looks back up. The man is staring at the jar in his lap, almost half empty, before his gaze lands back to Seongwu.

Seongwu blinks his eyes. “I was starving.”

The creases on the man’s forehead are even deeper as he frowns. He gives Seongwu an inspecting look, head tilting occasionally. “…You don’t have money to buy food?”

“I have a situation.”

The man sighs and sits down the bench next to Seongwu, leaving an inch of space between them. Seongwu notices him scratching the back of his ears, before he fishes for his wallet on his pocket. He peeks at it with a contemplative look, before he turns once again to face Seongwu, now smiling.

“I’ll treat you to some food.”

Seongwu doesn’t want food. He wants happiness.

“Sure, but can I hold your hand for a while?”

The request gets the man taken aback, the smile in his face quickly transcending into surprise. He looks doubtful for a minute, before he quietly nods his head.

“I need a moment of support.” Seongwu simply says, before opens his palms against the bench. The man stares at it for a while, before he rests his own on top of Seongwu’s.

Seongwu keeps his eyes open as he feels the rush of energy flowing through his veins from where their skins touch. He looks at the rainstorm at the back of the man, still wild, still boisterous, and tells himself that it’s alright. He wouldn’t be able to drain someone so happy.

After a long stretch of silence, when Seongwu starts to feel everything until the tips of his fingers once again, he pulls away and the man gives him a small comforting smile.

 Seongwu looks behind him. The waves doesn’t falter one bit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The man he met on the riverside is apparently named Daniel.

Daniel, a university student who likes to dance, who likes cats, and likes skateboarding. Daniel, with pink hair dye, a mole under his eye, and the most beautiful smile. Daniel, with happiness that swirled like rainstorm behind him, happiness that shined like the sun. Daniel, who Seongwu can’t take his eyes off.

Now that Seongwu has revitalized, he realizes how wild Daniel’s happiness really is. From where he is seated across Daniel, it’s like he can feel it spreading to him, even without having to touch.  His happiness is contagious. Every single person he smiles at has their flames a little boosted. Just being in the same space as him comforts Seongwu.

“I hope noodles is alright.” Daniel smiles at him as they settle on their seats at the noodle place Daniel had dragged him to. He gestures to the lady at the counter with two fingers up in the air, and the lady smiles back. Seongwu notices her happiness flare a little bit.

Daniel looks back at him, and Seongwu nods his head. “But you really didn’t have to.” He insists. Daniel had already shared him more than what he needed. He doesn’t need to spend for Seongwu.

“It’s okay. I promised I’ll treat you.”

Seongwu shuffles on his seat. “Do you really treat random strangers to eat?”

Daniel laughs, and it sounds like music. “Do you really eat random food you find on a park? It could have been poisoned, you know.”

It wouldn’t have affected Seongwu anyway.  “I guess I trust easily.” He simply says.

Daniel props his arms on the table. “Then that’s it. The ones who can trust can be trusted.”

The food arrives and they start to eat in relative silence, with Daniel occasionally asking a few questions Seongwu doesn’t have an answer to, things like _what do you do for a living_ or even simple questions like   _how old are you._ He makes things up to appear like a human. He doesn’t admit he’s been living for decades by feeding on human emotions.

“The jellies are from me.” Daniel says after a little while, sipping the soup of his noodles.

Seongwu nods his head and hums. He’s already known. It wasn’t hard to figure out.

Daniel puts his chopsticks down and cleans his lips with a tissue. “I’ve made it my life’s mission to make someone smile once a day. To share happiness, even to strangers.  There are times I dance for free. Sometimes I help elders cross the street. Sometimes I hold the door for them, and I can see their eyes light up a little just like that. It’s the little things, you see. The little kindness that goes a long way.”

“Today was a little special, so I wanted to tweak my usual ways. Seems like my most stupid idea, by far. I guess people won’t just take free food left in suspicious places.”

“…that’s.” Seongwu’s skin feels a little warm. “That’s nice.”

“You were an exception, though. You took it. So in a way, you made me happy.” He pauses, then laughs. “Ah! But it seems like I have still failed. You haven’t smiled yet.”

Seongwu blinks.

“I saw you didn’t read the note on top of the jar and tossed it away, but it said ‘eat this and smile atleast once today.’”

Seongwu straightens in his seat and tries to smile, and Daniel just chuckles.

“You don’t have to force yourself. It’s my fault for not doing a great job.”

“I’m sorry.” The apology surprises both Daniel and Seongwu. He never does that. He never feels sorry.

Daniel hits him slightly on the shoulder.  “I told you it’s okay! Happiness is not something we can force to others. There are people who don’t see the joy of the little good things, and I think they only need a little help to be able to see that.” He rests his chin against his palms, and looks at Seongwu with a smile.

“If we ever meet again, I’ll definitely make you smile then.” He declares, before he calls the server for their bill.

 

 

Before going home, Seongwu passes by the bench he sat on and looks around for a tiny sticky note. He founds it lying on the ground with a few shoeprints on it, but he picks it up, and keeps in into his now empty jar of jellies.

 

 

 

 

It isn’t until another month later that Seongwu finds himself in starvation once more, only this time, he is more than willing to face his death.

Decades of merely existing has come to tire Seongwu.

It’s in the same alley in the same amusement park, where he almost lost his life ten years ago. Seongwu doesn’t wear his prince costume anymore, doesn’t have his hair neatly slicked back. He didn’t come in for free, too. He spent the last of his energy wandering around, hoping to find a boy he lost in his memories.

Ah, maybe he should have died right then, he thought. Not now, but ten years ago, when he was in the exact same situation. The ten years he lived since then didn’t do much, anyway.

His vision gets blurry. The muscles on his fingertips have long since stopped moving, and the tubes inside his lungs feel like squeezing. He opens his mouth but there isn’t enough air. The lower half of his body already feels numb, as if it had stopped existing.

This is his worst state by far.

Black covers the whole world. Life is slowly slipping past his fingers. In his near-death haze, he dreams of a boy so bright, the boy who made him want to change who he was, the boy with infinite happiness. Seongwu knows no god, but for the first time in his life, he prays. He prays for the boy to never lose the way he shines.

His eyes catch bright light, before he falls into a deep slumber.

 

 

 

 

 

Seongwu often wondered if there is a life after death. Would it be a continuation of the life he lived on earth? Would it be in a place unknown, unseen even by his eyes? Perhaps it would be a reincarnation to be able to live once again. Seongwu had wished it was the latter. Maybe then, he wouldn’t have to live a life being some kind of monster.

Seongwu had thought, too, that maybe there isn’t life after death. Maybe it just all ends.

The thought of it wasn’t that bad either.

Life after death, it seems, is waking up to the brightest smile Seongwu has ever seen, both joyed and relieved expression welcoming him. It’s waking up in the arms of a man, a man who has a rainstorm quivering behind him— a rainstorm of happiness. Life after death is being called hyung by someone who seems so familiar.

“Hyung.” The man calls, and the name instantly flashes through him.

“Daniel?” His brows furrow.

“Oh my god, hyung. I was so scared.” The weight in his shoulders visibly lessens. “I thought you died.”

Seongwu thought he died, too.

He feels the movements beneath him. It’s smooth and then rough, and fast, the bed he’s lying on jostling every now and then. He hears loud siren noises a little too near him, and his he sits up slowly as he tries to orient himself where he could be.

“We’re on an ambulance, hyung.” Daniel supplies, sensing his disorientation. He holds Seongwu and supports him as he sits up. “You stopped breathing. For a moment it really seemed like you were dead. I was scared.”

Seongwu notes that the waves behind him had faltered a little bit. It’s still bright, but it’s visibly lessened. “I should have been dead.” He says as he pulls away from Daniel’s touch, trying to ignore the hurt in his expression and how his happiness wavers a little bit more. “Did you save me?”

“Well, there wasn’t help near me, and I learned CPR.”

“Ah.” Seongwu nods. Of course, there’s no better way of feeding than the touch of two lips. No wonder he isn’t as bright.

“You don’t look happy to have been alive.” Daniel frowns.

 _I have never been happy for anything_. Seongwu doesn’t say. Instead, he musters a smile and gives Daniel a small, “Thank you.”

Seongwu is forced to go through a series of test to check his condition. He complies reluctantly and is not surprised to find out that he’s perfectly healthy. Of course he would be, after how much Daniel had supplied him. The bills are fortunately forwarded for the park to pay, and they leave the hospital with a bewildered Daniel tailing him.

If he suspects anything, he doesn’t say it.

“I’m treating you to some food.” Daniel says after a few minutes of tailing behind Seongwu, finally catching up to walk beside him.

“There’s no need.” Seongwu answers.

“Wasn’t it hunger?”

Seongwu looks at him. “It was hunger.” He tells the truth.

“Then I’ll treat you to some food.” He declares, before he grabs Seongwu by the arm and drags him through the sidewalk. Seongwu pulls his arm away from Daniel, not wanting to take more than what he has already taken, but he complies and follows him where he goes. For now, he’ll let it be. Daniel can think whatever conclusion it is he has formed about him, whether it be being some broke guy who couldn’t provide for his own food.

It’s a chicken place in a tent in a wide sidewalk this time. Daniel doesn’t ask Seongwu, just orders him an amount of food he doesn’t really even need. Daniel assures him that it’s alright, that he has extra money he earned by winning a dance competition. Seongwu swallows the guilt knowing he probably has more than what Daniel won for that.

“They’re cute.” Daniel says after a little while, as they wait for their order. “Your moles.”

Seongwu involuntarily touches his cheeks, where his birthmarks are, wordlessly tracing it with his fingers.

“Wait. Cute is an understatement. I’d say they’re beautiful.” Daniel giggles. “I have never seen anything like it. It’s like a constellation.”

Seongwu brings his hand down. “It’s the only one in the world.” He quips. Of course. It’s his mark. His identity. To his kind, he’s the monster with the constellation on his cheeks.

“It’s unforgettable.” Daniel looks at Seongwu in the eyes. “I’ll never forget seeing such a thing like that.” He says with a smile on his face, and Seongwu feels warmth hugging him.

The food arrives, and Seongwu clears his throat.

“Is it just me, or you’re always kind of dying whenever I see you?” Daniel takes a drumstick to his plate as he tries to converse, peering at Seongwu through his hair. “It was like that, back then, too.”

Seongwu grabs wings and immediately bites. “I have a situation.” He reasons simply as he chews the meat in his mouth.

“Yea? Mind telling me? Maybe I can help you.”

Seongwu puts his chicken down and stares at Daniel. He wonders what the man has to achieve by being kind to a monster like him. He drinks from the glass of water beside him, before he looks back at Daniel, at the rainstorm behind him that had ignited once more, as if Seongwu never took any of it away. “I think I’m gonna need you, if that’s okay.”

Daniel raises an eyebrow.

Seongwu licks his lips. “Atleast once a month? Meet me. At that same bench on the side of the river. I— I only need a little support. Just hold my hand and I’ll be fine.” He knows he sounded absurd saying the words he just said, but he allows himself to say it. Some part of him considers this a desperate measure, some part of him wishes Daniel will get weirded out and reject him, afterall.

Daniel looks at him doubtfully, chewing his food slowly. He swallows his food with a frown, before finally responding, “Okay.”

“Okay?” Seongwu is a little bit stunned. “You’re not gonna ask me questions?”

Daniel shrugs and takes another bite of his drumstick. “I don’t know. Do you want to tell me?” Seongwu shakes his head and Daniel laughs. “I figured you’d tell me if you want to. But if you say you only need a hand to hold to be able to get through life, something I could give you so effortlessly, then why would I deny you that?” By now Seongwu wonders if he should be the one weirded out by Daniel. The man has such a different kind of perspective.

“Besides, I still have my mission to make you smile.”

Seongwu perks up from his seat. “I already smiled at you today.” Daniel just smirks. “At the ambulance? When I thanked you?”

“Not like that, hyung.” Daniel giggles, eyes turning into crescents. “A genuine smile.”

“I want to make you smile without having to force you to do it. Without feeling obligated to. I’ll add it into the missions of my life. I’d bet it’d be beautiful, hyung— your smile— the one you do with happiness.”

_Happiness._

Seongwu can do anything but that.

“Alright.” He replies anyway.

He knows right there and then, Daniel won’t ever succeed.

 

 

 

Seongwu manages to keep himself alive until the first Tuesday of following month. He gets it from the little touches of people who he serves drinks for at the bar, or those who flirt with him and call him to the back street to willingly give him more than what they actually have. The people that surround him there are generally dark, but in lucky days, he gets to encounter someone with a little bit of light, and he allows himself to feed even just a small portion of that.

The promised time of 1:00 pm have passed for more than half an hour now, and Seongwu wonders if Daniel had figured it out. Maybe he did and have cowered and decided not to meet him today. Maybe he found Seongwu suspicious or maybe he found out he was all along a happiness-eating monster.

The thought somehow makes him upset in his stomach.

All those thoughts waver away though, when he feels a touch at his shoulders.

“Hey!” Daniel beams, his hair now dyed in the color of the sun that suddenly feels underwhelming in his presence. He hops over the bench to sit down next to Seongwu. There’s a skateboard tucked under his arms, and he places it beside the foot of the bench before leaning on his back. “Im so, so, sorry for being late. There’s this girl whose cat got stuck on a branch of a tree and she was crying. Her cat is a little naughty, you see, i know she can climb down on her own the way she climbed up, but she’s enjoying torturing her owner like that. Naughty girl.”

Daniel laughs, and Seongwu is just suddenly overwhelmed by how bright he is.

He tries to react. “So what happened?”

“I climbed the tree to get her cat.” Daniel giggles, wiping a bead of sweat in his forehead. “When we came down, i kissed the top of the cat’s head and whispered to her how naughty she was. Told her not to make her owner cry like that anymore. Naughty girl _meowed_.”

Seongwu blinks his eyes. “She understands?”

Daniel giggles harder. “I bet she did!” His eyes have turned into crescents once more, as he wipes more of the sweat around his neck with the edge of his sleeve. “So, were you waiting for long? I’m really sorry for that.”

“Not much.” Seongwu answers. “And you saved a cat and made a kid happy. Your mission for today is done, too.” Seongwu imagines it, the way Daniel gave happiness without his own flaring even just a little bit. He wishes he could have seen it with his own eyes. It must have been mesmerizing.

Daniel chuckles. “No, my mission today is you.” He faces Seongwu, and then opens his palm against the top of the bench. “So you need me?”

Seongwu feels his knees go weak. He does need him.

“Yeah.” He replies, before he intertwines Daniel’s hand with his.

 

 

 

The deal they made a month ago works well for Seongwu.

He only asked for an hour of touch, an hour to close his eyes as he listens to the chirps of the birds and the stream of the river, while Daniel quietly holds his hand. In return, Seongwu will spend the rest of the day with Daniel to give him a chance in his attempt to make him smile. He doesn’t understand why the guy is so ardent on fulfilling something so impossible like making Seongwu happy, but he doesn’t really mind. It’s not like he has places to go.

Besides, he likes to watch Daniel’s happiness crashing and whirling behind him like some sort of butterfly wings. He likes to see how it doesn’t even waver even after he’s taken so much.

Seongwu didn’t expect, though, that the deal would put him into a life-threatening situation.

“Bend your knees, hyung.” Daniel exclaims as he supports Seongwu as he stands stiffly on a skateboard, rolling through the park in a slow pace.

Seongwu feels warmth where Daniel touches him.

“W-wait.” He wobbles, hands automatically reaching to hold on to Daniel’s shoulders. “I don’t think I can do this.”

Daniel stops the skateboard with his one foot, and looks up to Seongwu with a pout. “But you promised?”

Seongwu looks at him and thinks that happiness just as beautiful as his doesn’t deserve to go without a pretty smile. It’s the reason why he nods once again— atleast, that’s what he tells himself. The smile on Daniel’s face reappears and he holds Seongwu in his waist and shoulder, before he supports him to skate once more, giving him a few instructions as he grips at him tightly so he won’t fall.

They skate in the park until orange paints the twilight, until Seongwu could finally do it on his own.

 

 

 

Their monthly meetings went for another three months without a fail. Seongwu would always sit at the same bench where he first met Daniel, right on the clock on their promised meeting time. Unlike the first time, Daniel was never late, in fact he always arrived earlier, placing something on the bench with a little note of _I hope i can make you smile today—_ that something being a pack of chocolates, another jar of gummy bears, or a toy that Seongwu curiously held and suddenly punched him in the face. (Daniel sprinted forward from where he was hiding and apologized while laughing, and Seongwu tried so hard for his jaw to not drop as he realized Daniel was just getting brighter and brighter than the last time he met him.)

It’s after their fourth meeting that Daniel suggests they meet more than they already do.

“Are you free on Saturday?” Daniel asks as they sit down on a sidewalk, catching their breaths after a one on one basketball match— if it’s any match at all. Seongwu just kept on tripping on his own foot as he tried to run while dribbling the ball. He’s never good with physical activities in the first place, and the only reason he agreed was to pay back to Daniel’s happiness.

That was all.

“I am.” He answers. He can always be free when he wants to.

“Come with me, then.” Daniel beams, wiping sweat off his forehead. “My friend Jisung invited me to this volunteer work at an orphanage. We need more helping hands since there are a lot of kids. I think it’d be great if you’d be there.”

Seongwu visibly stiffens. “I’m scared of kids.”

Daniel frowns. “What?”

“I-m. I don’t get along well with kids.”

 “Really?” Daniel throws him a disbelieving look.

“Yeah…” His voice trails down. Seongwu shifts on his seat. “You don’t believe me?”

“Well, you look like someone good with kids.” He hums, before turning his gaze on the far distance.

Daniel diverts the topic into something else that didn’t involve volunteering or being with kids _._ Seongwu is grateful that Daniel’s not pushing him to do it. Seongwu _likes_ kids, likes how they carry the brightest kinds of happiness in their hearts, likes how a little bit of effort can bring them so much joy, and it’s the very reason he thinks he shouldn’t be anywhere near them.

Daniel starts talking about his new cats, Ori and Zhang who he just adopted a month ago, how they used to hate each other when Zhang first came a few days later than Ori, but are now so clingy to each other they’re basically dating now. He talks about his roommate slash best friend Jaehwan, whose voice is apparently _sweet like honey_ Seongwu should really hear it atleast once in his lifetime. He talks about a few of his classes, too, how he’s glad he transferred from being a science major to majoring in dance, how it’s the best decision he’s ever made in his life.

“You never talk.” He points out when he finishes complaining about Jaehwan’s untidy laundry, looking at Seongwu in the eye. “I mean, you never talk about yourself. It’s always just me”

Seongwu stiffens a little. He knows it. It’s always Daniel who makes their conversations run. Seongwu’s answers have always been merely reactive.

“There’s nothing much to talk about.” There’s so many. There’s so much. But he doesn’t allow himself to say that.

Daniel pouts. “I don’t know anything about you.”

“Why do you keep on meeting me, then?” Seongwu tilts his head to the side. “What if I’m a kidnapper?”

Daniel laughs, nose crinkling as he does. “With that body of yours? Do I need to remind you how many times you tripped earlier?” Seongwu thinks he should be offended with how much Daniel is laughing at his physicality, but he doesn’t find it in himself to feel so. He’s glad Daniel is laughing like he does. Daniel sniffs. “I don’t know, hyung. I have this immense feeling of trust the first time I saw you. I knew you wouldn’t be anything so bad.”

Seongwu wonders if feeding on people’s happiness can be considered as not _anything so bad._

“And you really are nowhere near bad, hyung. I actually expected a little worse. Like you could have been seducing me knowing fully well how handsome you are, then lure me into my death or something. But I don’t think it’s like that. You’re really just a soft soft bubble who looks really tough.”

Seongwu grimaces at the words used, and Daniel once again laughs.

“But really, I don’t even know where you work, where you live, or what you do when I’m not meeting you. I only know you're older than me and that your name is Ong Seongwu.” Daniel grins. "I know you have stars painted in your beautiful face, too."

Seongwu feels heat creeping up his ears. “…you can stop seeing me, if it bothers you.” He says slowly. He’s planned to say those words in the future, but right now there’s a pinch in his chest as he utters those words. “I was just too desperate, I guess, when I asked you to meet that day.” He wants to keep his head low to avoid seeing the expression on Daniel’s face, but he figures he has to so he tilts his head up.

Daniel is smiling, though. Seongwu wonders when he ever doesn’t. “It doesn’t bother me one bit!” He exclaims, bunny teeth peeking out. “In fact, it’s exciting. You’re like my mystery friend, y’know? Jaehwan tells me you could be a ghost. I honestly think that’s exciting.”

Seongwu tries not to scoff at that. “You think I’m a ghost?”

Daniel giggles, while reaching for Seongwu’s hand. Seongwu feels happiness slowly seeping into him the moment Daniel touches his skin.  “No.”

“You’re far warmer.” Daniel plays with Seongwu's fingers. “I think you’re an existence more beautiful than that.”

 

 

 

 

The theory of happiness told Seongwu there’s a beginning where it all ends.

Seongwu didn’t understand then, and today, he still doesn’t.

He first heard of it from Sunghoon who had existed way, way longer than Seongwu had.

“You have to prove it to reality.” He had said, eyes calm and voice as steady as always.

Seongwu had raised an eyebrow. “What is it?”

“You will have to find out for yourself.” Sunghoon had answered. Years later, Seongwu realizes it’s because he also didn’t knew what it was about.

No one knew what theory of happiness actually was.

Seongwu came to understand that it was just a make-believe hope for their kind, a petty excuse for their cruel existence. After all, Seongwu could not count in his fingers how many times he had asked, _‘What’s the reason we even exist?’_ and all he got was some speech about a theory no one actually knew of. A lot of them had questioned their being, and a lot of them were shut down using the theory, made to believe that they had a reason for existing.

But Minhyun— Minhyun was different.

“Happiness is the key.” Minhyun had told him years ago, carrying a light that didn’t belong to him. Creatures like them weren’t supposed to wear happiness; they were only supposed to feed. Only humans were born to carry the wings of joy. Minhyun wasn’t human. He wasn’t supposed to have that.

But he did, and Seongwu couldn’t believe it.

He was glowing, and to Seongwu’s eyes, it’s the most beautiful he’s ever seen him.

“You have to own it, Seongwu— own the happiness inside of you. That’s how it can all end and all begin once again. “

Seongwu was too occupied then, watching happiness swirling behind Minhyun, calm and blue like the serene sea. He didn’t manage to digest anything, but he managed to ask one question:

“Did you prove _it_ right?”

Minhyun took his hand into his, and Seongwu’s eyes grew wider once he felt the transfer of energy from where Minhyun touched him, with Minhyun only smiling as if he knew exactly what it is that he was doing. Only then did Seongwu realized:  Minhyun was different. He wasn’t like him anymore.

He smiled. “I did. And I hope you will, too.”

 

 

 

 

 

In his decades of existence, Seongwu had never been in a _jjimjilbang_.

It's refreshing, though, he admits as he bathes in a pool with a hundred others dipping on it. Seongwu never learned to swim. He didn't think it would be beneficial for him, but he suddenly grows the curiosity to learn when Daniel teases him for his flailing arms for the umpteenth time. Daniel helps him on it when he's grown tired of laughing at Seongwu, holding him at his back and guiding him to float.

It's refreshing, too, to have your pores opened by the steam of the sauna. Daniel had wrapped pink towels at their heads and made the wear thin white shirts as they sit inside a steaming room in what feels like forever. Seongwu feels lightheaded sitting there idly like that, and he allows himself to lean a little bit towards Daniel.

Seongwu only agreed to go as his payback to Daniel, but he doesn’t hate being here at all.

They step into the outdoor deck of the _jjimjilbang_ after that, four boiled eggs in hand. Daniel says he's always wanted to do the things couples do in dramas, like cracking eggs using each other's forehead.

"That's gotta hurt." Seongwu says as Daniel pulls him down to sit at the wooden floor near the railings, where they can see the streetlights of the city. "Don't you dare—"

Daniel beats him to his sentence as he cracks an egg using Seongwu's forehead, laughing as he peels the shells off before he starts talking.

Seongwu is listening intently to Daniel talking about a foreign kid in the orphanage he’s worried about. He’s talking about how the child doesn’t go out of his room and just always watches the other kids play when Seongwu feels a sudden weight in his shoulder, Daniel’s hair tickling his skin.

Daniel presses the side of his head into Seongwu’s shoulder and leans comfortably. “Ah, I’ve failed today again.”

Seongwu’s too full of happiness he probably can’t take any more. He thinks that’s what it is because he doesn’t feel energy flowing through from where Daniel’s cheek is squished against his skin. “What do you mean?” He asks.

“You haven’t smiled.” Seongwu sees Daniel pout, and it sends butterflies in his stomach.

Daniel’s rainstorm of happiness is flaring so wildly behind him, like waves crashing and soaring over and over again. Seongwu doesn’t understand how Daniel can only grow happier every time they meet each other. How bright he gets and how it doesn’t falter. It truly is blinding. Seongwu tears his gaze away from him.

“I work in a bar.” Seongwu says afterwards, trying to distract himself from noticing how his heart is wildly beating. It must have been the adrenaline from all the swimming.

Daniel leans away to look at him in the eye, flashing that beautiful smile of his. Seongwu knows it’s because he’s anticipating it all along, for Seongwu to talk about himself for once. “I live next to that bar, actually. Like a one-minute walk. I make money, you see. I saved quite a lot. You don’t need to treat me to food every time we meet.”

Daniel nods his head enthusiastically. “I hope you didn’t just start talking to tell me I shouldn’t treat you food.” He laughs. “Yeah? Perhaps you could share a little bit more about you?”

Seongwu feels the summer air hit his skin, and suddenly he feels a little bit braver.

“I dreamt of being a gag man.” Seongwu starts. Daniel chuckles. “I wanted to be funny. I wanted to make people laugh. I used to practice making faces in front of the mirror every night.”

He talks about the very few things he’s feels is safe to share to Daniel. He likes watching comedies. He likes sweet things. He also likes cats but is afraid he can’t take care of them well. He’s seen all the SNL episodes and knows a few idols who are funny. He likes SHINee’s Key.

Daniel puts a hand on his chin and smiles intently. “I’m not surprised you’re this kind of person. I’ve always known you have it somewhere inside of you.”

Seongwu frowns. “What's it?”

"That warmth." Daniel hums. “I don't know. I just felt it. You look like someone who used to be bright, like someone who wants people to be happy.”

He’s staring at Seongwu’s eyes with a heavy intensity, and Seongwu can’t pull away.

“It’s courageous to be able to share happiness.” Seongwu says, knowing fully well that he lacks the said courage.

Daniel pulls his gaze away. “It’s already courageous to simply want to do that.” He smiles, looks back at Seongwu, and Seongwu feels his breath hitch. He turns away to look at the lights illuminating the city.

“Do you still volunteer during Saturdays?” Seongwu asks after a little while, and Daniel perks up.

“Yeah, why?” He sounded almost too eager. Seongwu bites the inside of his cheeks.

“Can I try to help?” He looks at Daniel. “I want to stay on the background, though.”

“Of course!” He exclaims, and quickly fishes his phone out. “Wait, I gotta tell Jisung immediately so he could list you down on the list of volunteers.” He types in his phone fast and excitedly, a grin never leaving his face.

When he puts his phone back to his pocket, he lifts a hand towards Seongwu, holding out his pinky finger. “Promise me you’d come with me this Saturday?”

His happiness is flaring once more, and Seongwu feels hypnotized. He lifts up his hand too, and intertwines his pinky finger with Daniel’s.

“Promise.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before locking himself in the darkness and confining himself in the bar that is his territory, Seongwu once surrounded himself with happiness.

Children are full of happiness.

He likes them a little too much, likes their innocence and bright presence, smiles illuminated in their faces, and how even a crying child would still have colors wavering behind him, for children had instilled happiness in their heart, and temporary heartbreaks do not affect that. In that amusement park in the quiet province of Gyeonggi-do, Seongwu had lived his humble life bringing entertainment to children by acting as a prince for the park’s weekend shows.

There were times the mere sight of him had caused ripples of happiness to spread out into the thin air. He’d sing and sometimes dance and the happiness would double. The boys looked up to him, told him they’ll be a good prince when they grow up, and the girls said they’ll be good princesses. Seongwu was content like that. He liked the smiles he brings into their faces.

It’s been years since he last dealt with children this close, and Seongwu feels warmth as he watches colourful waves swaying and playing with the early autumn air.

Their happiness are little flowers on the field, and Daniel is the rainstorm flourishing them.

“Who wants to dance with me?” Daniel exclaims into the microphone, earning a cheer from the children gathered at the orphanage square. A few kids raise their hand, eager for Daniel’s attention. Daniel struggles to pick five and soon gives up, allowing everyone willing to just come up to the front and dance.

From where he stands under the shed, Seongwu can see Daniel being the brightest of all.

The music starts and Daniel starts to dance, the children gathering around him. He makes his moves as simple as he can, allowing the children to mimic him. His eyes have almost disappeared with how much he smiles, his nose crinkling with joy. Seongwu reminds him of someone he knew so well, someone who liked sharing happiness as much as he did.

Daniel reminds Seongwu of himself.

The children start to chant Daniel’s name, causing him to erupt into a flustered giggle. They pull back to make space at the center, forming a small circle with Daniel in the middle.

“Hyung! Your cool move please!” A child entreats, others shadowing his request.

Daniel looks at Seongwu’s way and their eyes meet, before he laughs and turns to the kids with a shrug. Without missing a beat, he twirls his body around in the floor, dancing in a way Seongwu has never seen him do before.

“What a show-off.” Someone snorts. Seongwu turns to his side where Jisung is suddenly standing.

Jisung’s happiness is calm and white, like a state of satisfaction and contentment. It’s unmoving, like a thin plate of air behind him, almost translucent to Seongwu’s eyes, but no doubt existing. It’s there, Seongwu feels it.

“He hasn’t really done b-boy stunts since the first time we volunteered here. He’s probably pulling that out of his sleeve now after such a long time just to impress you.”

Seongwu chuckles. “I bet.”

Jisung stares at him bewildered for a while, his small eyes spread wide open. He blinks, before he erupts into a chuckle. “Daniel told me you’re not capable of smiling. But look at that, you _laughed.”_

Oh. Seongwu didn’t notice. “H-he’s exaggerating. I am human capable of emotions.” Seongwu reasons out, something twisting in his stomach. It’s true that it’s not the first time he smiled or laughed since meeting Daniel, but it’s the first time it came out so… naturally.

“He said his new life mission is to make you smile. Hah! I beat him to it.” Jisung laughs animatedly, glancing at Daniel who’s now stopped dancing and looking at them curiously. “Anyway the reason I came here is to ask you to lend some help in the kitchen? Jaehwan’s performing soon but there are still some packages left to do. The kids are gonna eat after his performance.”

Seongwu looks back at the orphanage square and finds Daniel being pulled by the kids into dancing once again, before he nods at Jisung and walks his way.

He finds Jaehwan fidgeting to himself in the kitchen, face automatically lighting up at the sight of Seongwu. “Oh my god, Seongwu. You saved my life. I totally forgot I still have to tune my guitar a little before the performance. I can leave you to pack the rest, right?” He looks like a puppy so grateful for Seongwu’s rescue, eyebrows furrowed in relief. “God where is Sungwoon when I need him, really.” Jaehwan mutters to himself, looking all nervous and restless.

Despite his state, Jaehwan’s happiness is also warm and bright. Seongwu sees streaks of red and orange, a sign of strong passion, and it’s always been one the kinds of happiness Seongwu adores.

He smiles. “Of course.”

Jaehwan stops and stares at him, dumbfounded.

“Oh you smiled.”

He gives Jaehwan an incredulous look.

 “You look good when you smile.” Jaehwan compliments as he grabs his guitar resting on the corner of the kitchen and dashes off. He turns back and yells, “Smile often!” before he disappears. Seongwu stays frozen in his place for a few minutes, before he huffs and proceeds to pack food servings.

By the time he finishes packing the number of servings needed for all the children and staff, Jaehwan is already singing his second song at the square. Seongwu bobs his head along to his melody, humming along to the few lyrics that he knew. Daniel is right. Jaehwan’s voice really is as sweet as honey.

“One food, please.” A voice suddenly intrudes in broken Korean, making Seongwu jump in his place. He turns around to see a child standing behind him, eyes wide and lips pursed.

“Can I have one plate of food, please.” The boy repeats in an attempt in arranging his sentence better. His hands are fiddling at his side, unsure.

Seongwu doesn’t say a word and hands him one serving.

“ _Thanks.”_ The boy utters quickly in Mandarin, before dashing off away from the kitchen.

His mind tells him to turn around and proceed in arranging the food packages and delivering it to the square. After all, the group had decided the weather was fine enough to eat somewhere other than the old dining hall. Something bugs him at the pit of his stomach, though, and he steps off the kitchen to see where the boy is heading.

The boy who wears no happiness at all.

Seongwu has seen people like that before, in that dingy bar at the farthest part of Gangneung. Dull presences flock around where Seongwu works, but even there, people with not an ounce of happiness is a rarity. He’s only seen a few, people who had stepped in the bar and danced around, drunk their lack of happiness away. They are only a few, but they exist.

But the boy is still young, much too young to be one of those.

He struggles to find which room along the hall it is the boy went to. After all, the presence of people like him is undetectable by Seongwu. He isn’t able to feel him at all. He’s about to enter the fifth room when he sees the boy dropping his now empty styrobox of food into the trash bin at the hall. He lifts his gaze up when he hears Seongwu’s footsteps, staring at him with wide eyes.

“What’s your name?” He asks, but the boy doesn’t respond, merely staring at him carefully.

“ _What’s your name?”_ He repeats, now in what he assumes is the child’s mother language.

The boy’s eyes widen a little more, before he speaks. “ _Guanlin.”_

“ _Guanlin,”_ Seongwu smiles, stepping closer. “ _Do you want to see a trick?”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seongwu has his legs crossed on Guanlin’s bed and his ears folded when he feels Daniel’s presence and spots him leaning against the window frame, staring their way with a small smile in his lips. Guanlin has his gums peeking out with how widely he is smiling, obviously entertained with the little trick Seongwu had showed him.

“ _Amazing!”_ Guanlin exclaims, rocking back and forth on his knees.

Seongwu pays no mind to Daniel watching across the room, and confidently winks at the kid, causing his folded ear to pop back. He does it one more time for his other ear. Guanlin chuckles even harder, falling down the bed in laughter.

“It’s time to eat now!” Daniel finally calls, walking closer towards the bed. Guanlin sits up abruptly to look at him, composing himself and hiding behind Seongwu’s figure. Daniel sits at the corner of the bed, sighing.

“Linlin already ate.” Seongwu says for him, looking at the child behind him. “I’m not hungry, Daniel. I’ll be with him for some time. I still got tricks to teach.”

Daniel looks at Guanlin, before flashing a smile at Seongwu. “I didn’t know you had such things hidden in your sleeves.”

“I do. I told you I wanted to be a gag man.” Seongwu snorts.

Daniel laughs, bringing a hand against his lips. “I should have known you were serious.” He stands up, looks at Guanlin again, before he nods his head. “Alright then. I’ll just set aside a meal for you, yeah?”  He assures before leaving.

Seongwu proceeds to pulling out whatever trick he had learned from all those years he lived: he plays _hageum_ sounds with his mouth, pulls his elastic skin, crooks his fingers like wolverine, and does whatever dumb talent it is that he can pull out of his sleeves. Guanlin is fortunately easily amused, and it isn’t hard for them to communicate despite the relatively low language barrier. It’s good that Seongwu had a life long enough to study other languages, making him knowledged in basic Mandarin.

By the time Jaehwan calls him to help pack things up, Guanlin still wears no happiness.

Seongwu goes out to the kitchen with heavy shoulders and Guanlin tailing him around, not really saying or doing anything, just…following.

When they wave the children goodbye, Guanlin stands quietly at the side. Seongwu’s eyes widen as he sees a little bit flash of light, just a tiny fleeting spark that goes as fast as it came, no bigger than a match light, but it doesn’t prevent the smile spreading on Seongwu’s face.

He mouths a promise to come back again. Guanlin nods.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You smiled today.” Daniel says as they wait for Seongwu’s bus, rocking back and forth on his toes. “You probably didn’t notice, but you were smiling a lot.”

Seongwu stops and looks at all the times he let a smile past his lips. They weren't the ones when Daniel would crack a joke and Seongwu would feel responsible to react. It wasn't the short-term laughs he'd elicit when watching gag shows. Nothing was funny to even smile at, and yet he felt comfortable and allowed himself so.

It would have been nice if it weren't for the dread that is growing in his chest.

 “So is your mission with me done now?” He asks. The words _are you going to get rid of me now?_ gets stuck in his throat. After all, Seongwu had thought maybe Daniel was just bored and Seongwu was his fixation.

“Were you happy?” Daniel tilts his head. “ _Are_ you happy?”

Seongwu shrugs. “I don’t know, Daniel.” He admits. ”I don’t know.”

“Then it’s not over yet.” Daniel smiles, looking like a ray of sun despite the darkness of the night. ”My mission is not done yet.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Seongwu doesn’t even realize he hasn’t been feeding until he meets Daniel on another Tuesday afternoon, in that same bench where they first met. Daniel didn’t have any surprise ready like he did the last months, no chocolate boxes, no jar of jellies. He just immediately intertwines his fingers with Seongwu’s and tucks their hands into the pocket of his coat.

“It’s getting colder.” He greets, pulling Seongwu down to sit on the bench.

Seongwu didn’t really feel full, but he didn’t feel particularly empty either, so he pulls away after just a few minutes.

Daniel keeps his grip on his hand tight, though, not wanting to let go. “It’s getting colder, hyung. Let’s stay like this.” Seongwu looks at the colors crashing behind Daniel, even wilder than before, and he feels assured that he wouldn’t harm him. He nods his head and leans his back on the bench.

They spend the day quietly like that, watching the steady stream of the river, having small talks in between, their hands intertwined.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the fourth Saturday Seongwu comes to the shelter to volunteer, Guanlin wears a little bit of wings.

It’s a small, calm stream swirling behind the boy, much smaller compared to others. But it’s bright and warm, almost yellow, much like Daniel’s.

“Hyung.” Guanlin greets with a gummy smile. “The weather is nice and dogs are my friends.” He spiels in accented Korean, obviously saying whatever comes into his mind just to show off what he’s learned in the past week. “I saw birds flying in the sky this morning, and I miss you!”

Seongwu ruffles Guanlin’s hair carefully. “You’re doing well!”

They go to the library to have their private Korean lessons. It’s a task specifically assigned to Seongwu by the orphanage staff, after seeing Guanlin finally opening up to someone after two months of being on his own. The orphanage had long been looking for a teacher, but always lacked the funding to do so. It’s a lot of work trying to refresh everything Seongwu learned years ago, but he willingly does so, every night, so he could come prepared when he meets Guanlin.

At lunch time, someone knocks at the library’s open door.

“Hyung!” A boy with a bright smile calls, happiness so big it engulfs his whole body. Seongwu looks at it in awe and quietly hopes Guanlin could have a little bit of that. “Daniel hyung says it’s time for lunch!”

 Seongwu sees Guanlin not cowering anymore at the sight of a new presence. He doesn’t look at the boy with fear, but still wary, nonetheless, still shy. Seongwu gestures for the boy to come closer to their desk and the boy complies without a question. Guanlin throws him a curious look.

 _“This is a test, Linlin.”_ Seongwu pronounces, looking between Guanlin and the boy. _“I think we already learned basic introductions? Introduce yourself.”_

He then turns to the boy. “Would you mind listening to what Guanlin has to say?”

The boy shakes his head, turning his eyes back to Guanlin.

Guanlin fiddles with the hem of his shirt as he stands from his chair to face the boy. “H-hi.” He starts. The boy just tilts his head in reply. “My name is Guanlin. I am seven years old. I’m from Taiwan. It’s nice to meet you.”

The confusion on the boy’s face then melts into glee and surprise, the creases in his forehead straightening out. “Oh! I’m Jaemin!”

Guanlin glances nervously at Seongwu, and Seongwu gives him an encouraging nod.

“H-hi, Jaemin.” Guanlin looks down at his feet, peering at Jaemin through his bangs. “Would you like to be m-my... my first friend?” He asks, and Jaemin’s smile grows wider.

“Of course!” He replies, head nodding enthusiastically. Guanlin lifts his head up and smiles just as wide, looking back at Seongwu.

Seongwu watches his happiness grow a little bit bigger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Listen, Seongwu.” Jaehwan blabbers, face red with alcohol. “My dream is to find a boyfriend as handsome as you.” He strums the guitar he held in his hand ungracefully. “Would you fulfill my simple dream and please please be my boyfriend?”

The winter air gets filled with their laughter, Seongwu being the only one astounded.

They are all seated around a wooden plank on the rooftop of Daniel and Jaehwan’s apartment, drinking dozens of bottles of beer after a long day of volunteer work. The winter air is cold against his skin, but their laughter fills Seongwu with warmth. Seongwu thinks rooftops are way better place to drink than the bar where he used to work at.

Seongwu scratches the side of his neck. “Well, since you’re asking nicely—“

“Oh my god, hyung!” Daniel interrupts, laughter now gone. “Don’t just agree to it! The guy is drunk.” Jisung and Sungwoon cackles even louder in the background

Jaehwan whistles. “Foul play, Kang Daniel!” He extends his arms to give his guitar to Jisung, who accepts it without protest and rests it against the leg of the wooden plank. Jaehwan stands up and stammers to go in between where Daniel and Seongwu are seated.

“Stop cock blocking man,” Jaehwan slurs, kneeling down the plank next to Seongwu. “If you’re jealous of my brave ass, then why don’t you man the fuck up and ask him o—“ All words he’s about to say remains unheard by Seongwu as Jaehwan suddenly covers his mouth with both his hands. Seongwu can only guess it’s the bile that is rising up his throat. Jaehwan scrambles to his feet, and in a matter of seconds he’s gone down the stairs.

Sungwoon is laughing even louder and Jisung slaps him in the knee.

“Go make sure he doesn’t die!” Jisung scowls.

“No way! That would be a shame!” Sungwoon exclaims, but he’s already fishing his slippers on and standing up. He’s rambling about how it would be nice if Jaehwan trips and falls down the stairs, but he jogs to follow him anyway.

Jisung coughs once Sungwoon is out of sight, turning to look at Daniel. "It's getting colder." He says, emphasizing his point by rubbing his hands across to his arms. He stands up slowly and scrambles for his slippers, gathering Jaehwan's guitar. "I'm calling it a day. Thanks for coming with us Seongwu." Jisung smiles. "I'll be cleaning the kitchen. I can leave you two to clean up here, right? Sungwoon will be cleaning up after Jaehwan."

Jisung leaves with Jaewan's guitar hanging in his shoulders and a plastic of leftover food in his hands, leaving Seongwu and Daniel alone in the rooftop. The air blows a little harder. Daniel hugs his jacket closer to his body.

"I can't believe Jaehwan gets to skip clean time for being a drunk mess." Daniel comments, getting on his knees and starting to pick up empty beer bottles. "It's always like this."

Seongwu chuckles. "We should leave him sober then all get drunk so he'd clean up after all of us next time." He jokes, knowing fully well he doesn't really get drunk.

Daniel stops what he's doing to look at him, surprise in his face.

Seongwu wonders if he just said a terrible joke. "W-what?"

Daniel is quiet for a few seconds, before he cracks into one of his widest smiles. "That's a great idea, Seongwu!" He goes back to picking up beer bottles and some of the chips Jaehwan scattered on the plank. Seongwu sits up and starts cleaning too. "It'd be a sight to see him panicking over four drunk boys. I'd make sure I’d drink enough to vomit just so I can give him a hard time." He laughs, and Seongwu laughs along as he picks up the snack wraps scattered around. Daniel stands up and places the bottles in his hands down the corner of the rooftop.

"It's nice you're thinking of a next time, hyung." Daniel says when he’s facing him again. Seongwu gives him a small smile.

They don’t leave the rooftop even after cleaning the place. Daniel claims the beer stocked him with enough body warmth, and Seongwu doesn’t really mind the cold. Daniel pulls him down by to lie on the plank, his hands automatically snaking its way to intertwine his hand with Seongwu’s.

It’s become a habit, holding hands like this.

“He said it’s his dream is to date someone handsome.” Seongwu looks up at the night sky. For an early winter day, there are surprisingly a lot of stars. “Should I really deny him that? What if it can make him even happier?”

The vibrations of Daniel’s laugh can be felt from the plank where they lay. Seongwu turns his head to a very bright Daniel. “That’s an extreme way of making someone happy. But you shouldn’t do things like that, okay?” Seongwu frowns and Daniel laughs harder. “And if you didn’t notice, Jaehwan is dating Sungwoon.”

“Oh.” Seongwu looks back at the sky. “Then his dream is fulfilled. Sungwoon is very handsome.”

“What about you then?” Seongwu asks after a little while. “What’s your dream?”

Daniel hums, looking back at the sky as well. “It’s kind of embarrassing, but I want to be an Idol.” He giggles, squirming in his place. “Jaehwan and I are auditioning around for idol companies. I don’t know. It’s a lame idea to think I can be like them, but sometimes I look at the orphanage kids watching idols and being inspired just like that. Jaehwan told me idols have fans across the globe. Can you believe that? How many smiles could they have been drawing out of how many faces just by one appearance?”

He sighs dreamily. “It’s not my fixed goal, though. I do change my mind sometimes. Once I just wanted to run an orphanage until I realized I won’t have the money for it if I don’t do something else prior. I guess my ultimate dream is to just,” He shrugs. ”make people happy as much as I can.”

“That’s amazing.” Seongwu comments, tilting his head to the side to be able to look at Daniel once more. “You’re amazing.”

Daniel’s ears are red from the cold winter air. “What about you, hyung?” He turns his head to the side too, eyes meeting Seongwu’s. “What’s your dream?”

Perhaps it’s the alcohol in his system, perhaps it’s the coldness of the winter. Seongwu doesn’t say what he usually would: _I have no dream._ Instead, he squeezes Daniel’s hand and says something he hadn’t allowed himself to say for more than ten years:

"I want to be able to give happiness, and not take them away."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Before he leaves for home in the morning, Daniel kisses the back of his hands and vows him one thing.

 

“I’ll help you with your dream, hyung. I promise.”)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seongwu doesn’t expect to meet Minhyun ever again.

He does, though, and Minhyun had become _so different._

The orphanage had set a visit to their partner institution of home for the aged just before the holidays. It was a handful of task bringing all the kids across the town, with only a few staff and five volunteers, but they managed. The older kids immediately ran towards the grandmothers’ and grandfathers’ they haven’t met for so long upon arriving.

Minhyun is sitting on a wheel chair in the shelter’s garden when Seongwu sees him and he’s much, much older than Seongwu remembered him to be. It isn’t the kind of old their kind grows into where they still look the same, only worn-out. _He looks old,_ his skin wrinkled and his hair almost white. He looks like something he should never be.

There’s a glint of recognition in Minhyun’s eyes when it meets with Seongwu’s. He reaches out a hand in the air.

“Seongwu-yah.”

Seongwu winces when he hears how much Minhyun’s voice had changed too. He looks down at Guanlin who’s holding the edge of his coat, where Seongwu allowed him to hold onto.

“Lin. Do you mind playing with Jaemin for a while? I think he’s with the grandma’s at the main hall.” Guanlin nods without a question, running excitedly to play with his friend. Seongwu watches him disappear into the corner, before turning back to Minhyun.

They wordlessly stare at each other for a while. Seongwu sees waves of white dancing behind the old man.

“You’ve changed.” He utters.

“You haven’t.” Minhyun’s voice is raspy and old.

Seongwu walks forward and kneels on the floor, maintaining his eyes on Minhyun. He studies his face, how his skin had wrinkled, how the bags under his eyes have sagged, how his eyes still remained prettily pointed and how he still looked handsome, despite his age. He is no doubt the Minhyun that Seongwu knew, and it makes him want to reach out and hold his hand, but he doesn’t. He knows he shouldn’t.

“What happened?”

Minhyun smiles. “Happiness happened.”

Seongwu takes Minhyun on a stroll around the shelter square, pushing his wheelchair across the pavement as Minhyun fills Seongwu in with the happenings in his life. Minhyun is a father now. He visits the home once or twice a week especially since he’s got nothing to do. His son drops him by in the morning and fetches him in the evening.

“I saw him at the orphanage.” Minhyun tells Seongwu. “A month before we last saw each other.”

“He was a very shy kid, you know, and his happiness was the smallest among everyone there. I don’t know. I saw him and I thought I wanted to tend his happiness to be bigger, and when I succeeded I realized it wasn’t just his that I was tending to.”

Seongwu gazes at the faraway look at Minhyun’s eyes that is full of fondness.

“Jinyoung became my happiness, Seongwu. He turned me into someone capable of being happy.”

Seongwu feels tears threatening to spill at the corner of his eyes. He looks up at the sky above them, watching its calmness that resembles the waves behind Minhyun, his grip on the wheelchair’s handle tight.

“Is that what the theory of happiness is all along?”

Minhyun turns his head to look at Seongwu and shrugs.

“No one still knows. It probably differs for each one of us. You’ll only know once you’re there.”

“The only thing I’m sure of is still what I told you years ago.” Seongwu finally tilts his head back down to look at his old friend. Minhyun’s smile is as calming as the happiness around him.

“Own it Seongwu. Own the happiness inside of you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You knew grandpa Minhyun?” Daniel asks on the bus ride back to the orphanage, sitting beside Seongwu. “What a coincidence! He’s one of the biggest donors for both the orphanage and the shelter! How did you know him?”

“He’s an old friend.” Seongwu turns his head towards the windows, watching the skyscrapers of the city.

“He’s someone I look up to.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seongwu had always known there would be an end. He just wished it could have lasted a little longer.

But it can’t. He has to run away now.

They are sitting on the same bench at the riverside on their promised Tuesday when Daniel confesses. Seongwu had told Daniel that he was better, that he didn’t need to hold his hand anymore, but Daniel had insisted, tucking their hands again at the pocket of his bubble jacket.

Daniel was talking about the beautiful smiles he saw while performing at their school festival and how he felt proud he uplifted some tired souls with his dance when Seongwu asked what made Daniel dream of his dream— what made him want to make people happy.

“When I was young, I met a prince.” Daniel starts with a grin on his lips. “He’s a very handsome prince, you know. I was star struck. I don’t know how many times I bugged my mom just to go to that amusement park where he works. I have to thank mom. The tickets were actually pretty expensive.” He chuckles. “I think I went there a lot enough for him to remember my face.”

Seongwu feels cold blood rushing up his veins. He looks at Daniel.

“He looked happy with what he was doing. Amusement park performers don’t earn a lot, as my mom had said, but it didn’t show. I totally didn’t think about it until I found him almost dying in an alley because he was hungry. I didn’t know how much he had to sacrifice just to run those weekend shows.”

“I asked him why he would do that and do you know what he told me, hyung?” Daniel looks at him in the eye. “He said the exact same thing you said. _I want to be able to give happiness, and not take them away._ It left a big impression on me, I think. It came to the point I started dreaming the same dream. _”_

Daniel turns his whole body to face Seongwu. “And then, years later, I found that prince once again.”

“You knew.” Seongwu whispers. He tries to pull his hand away from Daniel, but Daniel’s grip is firm. “You were that boy.”

 Daniel’s eyes are soft and serene. “How could I forget you?” He gazes at the moles on his cheeks. “How could I forget the stars painted on your beautiful face?”

Seongwu looks back to all the times he’s been with Daniel, from their first time they met, to their arrange meetings, and all the times after that. He looks back to all the times he didn’t question his request to hold his hand, all the times Daniel accepted the lack of knowledge about his life

“You weren’t… scared?” Seongwu had made it clear to the boy who cried when he left. _I feed on people’s happiness. I’m going to drain you so sad you’d end your own life. I’ve done it before and I can do it again, young boy, so let me leave._

Daniel leans closer. “You’re not scary.”

Seongwu pulls away, and Daniel isn’t able to keep his grip this time. “I’m a monster, Daniel. I have your happiness for dinner.” The words leave his lips before he gets the chance to think about it, and for a moment he feels fear. He fears that Daniel will find him horrible, even if he truly is.

A moment of silence. Seongwu doesn’t look up, afraid to see Daniel.

Seongwu had expected him to scowl and find everything about Seongwu’s existence disgusting. He didn’t expect Daniel to pull him in into a hug, despite already knowing everything.

“It must have been hard on you.” He whispers, low into his ears.

The tears that fall from Seongwu’s eyes are a decade worth of sorrow.

 _This is the end_ , his brain had said. He should run. He should hide. Book a flight in some remote area and live there forever, or maybe just end his terrible life and die. But he doesn’t do any of those. He doesn’t pull away. Instead, he seeks comfort on the warmth of Daniel’s embrace and relaxes at the feeling of his hands rubbing circles at his back.

“I’m only with you because you’re happy.” He murmurs, choking back the hiccups. “I’m only with you because i want a little bit of that happiness inside of you.”

“Then take it, hyung. Take my happiness.” Daniel pulls away and frowns when he sees the tears streaming down Seongwu’s cheeks. He cups his face with both his hands and wipes the tear stains in his cheeks with his thumb.  “I’ll never run out of it anyway. Being able to help you makes me happy.” He shakes his head. “No, being with you makes me happy.”

“Look at me, hyung.” Seongwu does. “I made a promise, remember? I promised I help you reach your dream. We’ll find a way.”

“Just promise me you won’t run away again. Don’t leave like you did years ago. I’ve grown up now, hyung. I will do everything I can do to help you.”

Seongwu stares into his eyes and sees the light—sincerity etched deep into his orbs. This man here knew everything from the very start— knew everything since ten years ago, and yet he stayed. For a moment, Seongwu concentrates, searching for his answer within his soul.

 _This is the end._ His brain tells him. Daniel will be scared and run away for his dear life.

 _This is the start._ His heart contradicts, and for the first time in his life, it’s this voice that he listens to.

“I promise.” He answers.

The happiness that ignites behind Daniel is the most beautiful he has ever seen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seongwu doesn’t run away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Seongwu starts the new year with a new work and a new home.

Jaehwan has moved in with Sungwoon, vacating the space in Daniel and his shared apartment. Seongwu decides to occupy the space that he left, longing to be close to Daniel. Daniel is happy, and it comforts him.

 The first few days of rooming together gives him knowledge about Daniel he wouldn't have learned otherwise: Daniel like his baths warm. Daniel walks around the unit half naked. Daniel talks in his sleep and eats twenty packs of jellies in one day.

Seongwu lets himself to breathe everything in.

At night, he tags along with Jaehwan and plays songs for cafeterias and bars that sends them invites. Seongwu plays percussion instruments, something learned from all those years he lived, and Jaehwan makes use of his voice too and lets Seongwu sing.

Sometimes, Daniel comes with them.

Jaehwan parts ways on the second train stop before Daniel and Seongwu's apartment. As they walk the uphill street to their new home, Daniel holds Seongwu's hand.

Sometimes he feels it in his skin, the happiness Daniel gives to him. It comes less often, though, the sensation of his feeding. More often than not, he feels in his heart, something he hasn't seen or heard ever before.

He wonders when did it start.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The day Seongwu had dreaded the most comes during spring.

Seongwu wakes up to Daniel cuddled at his side, sheets wrapped on top of their entangled bodies. Yesterday had been a long day of volunteer work for them as well as Jaehwan, Sungwoon and Jisung. They took the kids out to play in the riverside park and Daniel taught some of them to skate. Guanlin was particularly energetic, to the point Seongwu needed to catch his breath from playing with him and Jaemin. Usually, such strenuous activities would have Daniel sleeping in until noon, but Seongwu is surprised to find Daniel already awake and looking down on him.

He smiles so incredibly wide, and that’s when Seongwu notices.

“You’re not shining.” He points out, freezing in his place.

Daniel’s brows furrow. “I’m not?”

“You’re not, Daniel! You’re not!” Seongwu suddenly yells, breaking away from Daniel’s hug and scurrying over to the other end of the room. The action alerts Daniel and he sits up from the bed.

He frowns. “Seongwu, what’s wrong?”

“It’s gone, Daniel!” Seongwu cries, feeling cold blood rushing up his veins in dread. “Your happiness— it’s all gone. I took all of it away.” He keeps on fumbling with the hem of his shirt as he says those words, eyes directed at nothing but the tiles on the floor. He paces back and forth the bedroom, before he falls down to crouch on the floor, burying his face on his knees.

“I’m sorry, Daniel. I’m so sorry.”

He doesn’t hear anything for a while, only the sound of his heart beating so loudly.

And then he hears footsteps, barefoot scraping against the cold tiled floors, and soon feels warm hands cupping his face and lifting it up, Daniel crouching down in front of him.

He sees Daniel still smiling so wide.

“Do I look like anything but happy right now?”

Seongwu observes him for a while before he shakes his head. Daniel looks happy. He still shines, actually. Just not the kind of shining Seongwu was used to. The rainstorm he owned was nowhere near him anymore, no boisterous waves, no beautiful colors. Seongwu doesn’t feel anything but warmth from where Daniel touches him.

Yet he still shines. He still looks happy.

Daniel chuckles, grinning. “I’ve been nothing but happy ever since I’ve met you, hyung.” Daniel says, leaning their foreheads together. “I think I’ve always been happy even before, but meeting you was a turning point. And no, I’m not talking about that time we met at the riverside. I’m talking about that time at the amusement park, after one run of your show, and I went backstage with the other kids just to say hello. You told us to be happy, hyung. You told us it’s the one thing that matters the most in living this life. And that’s what I’m trying to be ever since then.”

Daniel pulls away and pouts a little. Seongwu bites his bottom lip just to not smile. “And I’m with you now. I kissed you for the first time last night, even though it’s just on the cheeks. How could you ever think I would be sad?”

Seongwu looks around Daniel. “But I don’t see it, Daniel. I don’t see your happiness.”

Daniel frowns, removing his hands on Seongwu’s face and taking his hands instead. “But do you feel it? Do you feel like I’m happy?”

Seongwu hesitates for a while before he answers. “I do.”

Daniel smiles. “Then you don’t need to see it.”

They go back to their bed with one of Daniel’s hand intertwined with his and the other rubbing circles at his back. Seongwu sits down and calms his nerves, and tells himself that it’s alright. It’s not the end. It couldn’t be.

The door opens and Jisung takes a peek, cautious and careful. He only slides in half of his body, the other half rooted outside the room. “Were you fighting?”

“No, hyung.” Daniel assures, giving him a thumbs up. “Seongwu just had a bad dream.”

Seongwu looks up to see Jisung gazing at him with worry. The white and calm happiness he used to wear is now nowhere to be seen, the space behind him void and empty of anything.

“Are you happy, Jisung?” Seongwu doesn’t help himself from asking, bracing himself at the answer that’s about to come.

Jisung looks taken aback from the sudden question, but Daniel throws him an encouraging nod.

He clears his throat. “Of course I am, Seongwu.” He shuffles on his feet, finally entering the room fully and closing the door behind him. “Why wouldn’t I be? I think I’m happy every day because I get to be with my friends and do things that I love. My happiness is simple, Seongwu. I may not have the greatest things in the world but atleast I have all of you.” He says, walking forward towards the bed. “What brought this on?”

Seongwu studies Jisung and sees the sincerity in his eyes, how he meant each and every word he just told a while ago. It dawns into him right at that moment, with Jisung reassuring his happiness and Daniel still being bright despite the absence of the rainstorm behind him. His mind brings him back to Minhyun, his only friend, who grew old despite them not having the ability to. He thinks back to his to his pretty eyes, to his soft smile and to his words telling Seongwu to _own the happiness inside of you._

He thinks of yesterday, while going home from a long day of volunteer work. Daniel had asked to kiss him in his cheeks and he agreed, and for the first time in his life, Seongwu had admitted that he was happy.

He wanted to own the happiness that Daniel was giving him.

Seongwu has proven _it_ right.

“Seongwu.” Jisung’s voice is stern, worry evident in his eyes. “If you’re not going to answer my question, let me ask you this, then.”

There’s a pause. Seongwu holds his breath.

“Are _you_ happy?”

Daniel squeezes his hand. Seongwu finally breathes.

“I am.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 The day Seongwu had dreamed of the most comes during spring.

 

 

 

 

On a spring day, in his and Daniel’s shared room, Seongwu finds his happiness.

 

 

 

 

This is where it ends, and this is where it begins.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The reason of my existence is to simply be happy.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
